When I look back at my life, I see a string of people, places, & opportunities where I always somehow felt like I was on the outside looking in. And the weird part is that I'm quite sure most people would have thought it looked as if I belonged. Maybe I did. But it sure never felt that way.
And here's another funny thing. The only thing all those people, places, & opportunities have in common...is me. Hmmm. What does that mean?
Well, as I try to emerge out of what I have come to call my summer that played out like a bad country song (lost some friends, lost my man, lost my cat, lost my gosh-darned momentum...), I am realizing that just like everything else in life, feeling like I fit in (or not) is a choice.
So why am I choosing to feel like a misfit? To see myself as too weird to really blend in or be part of something bigger?
In a word...safety. After having my heart broken by friends, lovers, & dying cats (all within the same month...when it rains, it freakin' POURS!) it feels much safer at the moment to isolate myself rather than risk getting hurt one more time. Over here on my own personal Island of Misfit Toys, there's no one who's going to tell me I suck. There's no one to say, "You're doing it wrong." And there is DEFINITELY no one who is going to let me fall in love with them and then leave. Thank God!
But you know what else isn't here on the island? A hand to hold. A shoulder to cry on. Someone to say, "Not only do you NOT suck...you are completely AWESOME!" or "You're doing it JUST RIGHT...keep at it, rock star!" And there's no one to fall in love with.
No one who will laugh with me.
No one who will cry with me.
No one who will sit in my confusion with me & celebrate with me when I find my way out.
The totally crazy part is that there are some boats in the bay full of people who have offered to laugh, cry, be confused with me, & celebrate when I (or we) figure things out.
But I'm afraid to let them on shore. Afraid they won't want to laugh, cry, or play with me once they know the real me. The not-so-glamourous girl behind the cape who likes to stay in on Saturday nights instead of going out. The klutzy girl who catches things on fire (including herself one or twice), breaks stuff, drops things, & runs into door jams on a regular basis. The girl who talks for a living but prefers quiet nights snuggled up on the couch where words aren't necessary to show how much I love the person I'm with.
Life is scary when we let people in. But I'm starting to think it's even scarier when we don't. So maybe I'll wave a few of those boats in from the bay & see what happens. Maybe they'll stay or maybe they'll get bored & leave. But there's only one way to know for sure.
May the rest of my fellow misfits find a little comfort in knowing you are not alone. We ALL feel this way sometimes. I love you for your misfit-ed-ness...and I trust you'll love me for mine too.
Here goes nothing...
All ashore that are coming ashore!!